Saturday, April 26, 2008

Crazy Busy

Imagine my surprise when I realized that I hadn't updated since Monday. I remember feeling extra energetic early in the week, so much so that I couldn't quite remember why I had felt so buried the 2 weeks before. But taking the energy I used to spend obsessing over food and spending it on something else does not actually give me more time. Plus, I went to the doctor twice this week (nothing wrong--just needed prescriptions) and had to work extra hours to make up the time. So I had some long days and an excess of aggravation (the second doctor's appointment shouldn't have been necessary, but I'll spare you the rant).

So the end result is that I spent Wednesday and Thursday evening on the couch with the hubby watching TV (like most people) instead of sitting at the computer, writing away. I don't mean just blogging--I'm changing careers to become a freelance writer and I can't even justify the time it would take to look and see if I've mentioned that here before. But I start working part time (5 hours a day instead of 8) the week after next and that'll give me more time to write (and breathe). Hopefully, I won't end up spending all of the extra time doing housework because I'm a woman and undone housework nags at me possibly even more than unrevised essays that need to be finished up and sent out by a certain date.

M, W, Friday: Check
Tuesday and Thursday: Not so much

Every day but Monday, when I forgot for some reason.

Food Guilt:
Every day. It feels really good and when I weighed myself on Wednesday, I'd lost 2 pounds from the previous Wednesday. And there was definitely less stress eating, because there was less stress. I'm still so busy I can't see straight, but it's a lot easier to get through it all when I'm not doing mental calculus every time I'm trying to decide what to eat. I think I may also be less hungry because I'm not thinking about food all the time. I'm looking forward to next week's weigh-in.

I'm also thinking I'll plan on one indulgent meal a week. Before, I could only have one if I budgeted for it. Which led to the situation where I live close to some of the best Indian restaurants in the city and hardly ever go to them because I can't afford all the cream sauce. Yesterday, we went to Shake Shack where I felt that the double burger was actually too much food. I get the double because in the past, I was still hungry after having a single. Next time, I'll go back to the single.

Monday, April 21, 2008

A Chubby Girl Can't Win

Well, some days, anyway. 

Faith of That is So Queer was kind enough to steer me to a specific post on Kate Harding's fantastic blog, Shapely Prose. It's about how we fool ourselves into thinking that we'll be different, better, more exciting people if we just become thin.

Today, Shapely Prose has a post about someone who wants to convince their overweight and unhealthy-for-other-reasons friend to see a doctor. The post includes links to a site aimed at helping us find doctors who won't harp on our weight.

And so it was with this in mind that I went for my appointment with my new, in-network GYN. (My old GYN always gets mentioned when people start e-mailing around asking for recommendations. She is awesome and I'd hoped that she'd deliver my theoretical, someday babies. But I changed insurance and my new plan doesn't pay for out of network at all. So I'm shit outa luck there.)

So, new GYN. We discussed my medical history, that I need to exercise more (which I brought up--see Phase 1). She equated exercise with chemo. If your doctor said you needed chemo, then you wouldn't say you were too busy. So we're focusing on my health and not my size. She gave me some recipes for calcium-rich foods and suggested I consume more calcium. She didn't ask me if I was planning on making babies (several friends have complained about GYNs who didn't pay much attention to them because they weren't in baby making mode) and she didn't tell me to lose weight.

So I was feeling pretty good about her as I headed into the exam. The hospital gown could've been bigger, but I'm not that overweight. It's possible they have big girl gowns and didn't think I needed one. Whatevs.

She takes my weight, she takes my height, does the exam, yadda, yadda. As she's wrapping up, she reviews what we discussed, my prescription, etc. and then she says, "we just have to exercise more and take in fewer calories."

So I went into the spiel about how I lost 30 pounds on WW, gained it back from the stress eating, changing jobs, the whole wedding thing, been trying to lose it, but not going to torture myself over calories anymore, but will be exercising more and she dropped it.

I wish I had asked her why she thought I needed to lose weight. She'd just taken my blood pressure, which is incredibly low. My cholesterol is fine. What health benefits did she think I'd get? And she'd just written me a prescription for more birth control pills. Which can cause weight gain. But I'll just take in less calories and it'll all go away. Sigh.

It didn't upset me--I have pretty thick skin, so this woman thinking I need to eat less is not going to make me beat myself up until I do so. But man, she was so close to earning a fat friendly seal of approval from me. I was thisclose to not grieving over my old GYN.

I showed her--I went back to the office and had my little 100 calorie cupcakes, and then had a reasonably healthy dinner (rice, veg, a little chicken from the salad bar downstairs from the office). I didn't leave her office feeling like I needed a doughnut to help me recover from the experience. That'll teach her to push buttons that could lead to emotional eating.

I mean honestly, people, the woman has written 2 books about women's health. But she just starts talking about eating less calories to a chubby woman in an ill-fitting hospital gown, open in the front, just waiting for the doctor to leave the room so she can grab a wad of kleenex to wipe off all the lube. And she thinks this message is going to be received in an effective way.

And now I know why other woman won't go to the doctor.

Jeebus H, some days I want to smack thin people.

Exercise: Nope
Flossing: Check
Food Guilt: Check

Exercise: Nope
Flossing: Check
Food Guilt: Check

Saturday, April 19, 2008

Phase 2, Days 8-11, Phase 3, Day 1

Blogging daily about flossing is very much not interesting. Neither are my post titles, so I'll be mixing it up with that. 

First some roundups:
Exercise: Check
Flossing: Check

Exercise: Check
Flossing: Check

Exercise: Check
Flossing: Check

Exercise: Nope
Flossing: Check

There was also a lot of going out with friends for drinks and the sort of food one eats while drinking, so I took in way more calories than the exercise I was able to squeeze in burned, but that's just how it goes sometimes.

Except that's not how I'm usually able to think of it. Instead of being relaxed and energized afterwards, or being hungover but feeling it was worth it, I beat myself up for overindulging. I'm too food and weight obsessed. And I can't do it anymore. 

All that beating myself up over what I've eaten is taking up more energy than I can give anymore. I need that energy for other things. Like, say, keeping myself from stress eating. (You can also see that giving myself extra stress over my eating would only lead to more stress eating anyway.)

I also expect that I'll be able to channel that extra energy into tackling my To Do list, working on my writing, etc. 

So I'm starting Phase 3 and I'm starting it Today. Before old habits start up again. I'm calling Phase 3, "Enough with the Food Guilt Already" or "Food Guilt" for short. When I finish eating something indulgent, I want to think, "Damn, that was good," not "Wow, I'm such a piggy."  Calories I take in, but don't really enjoy and appreciate are wasted ones. I'm going to eat healthy, but not track points or calories. And I won't use it as an excuse to overindulge. ("Ooh, since I'm not counting points today, I might as well have a second piece of pie."--Sound familiar?) 

I can have it if I want it. I have plenty of self control, so I'm capable of looking at a cake and not wanting it, so that should work in my favor. I'm not on a plan to gain weight, after all, and I expect I'll manage to lose a little too.

How do I earn a check mark for Phase 3? By not beating myself up over what I've eaten. If I mildly regret indulging in something, that's OK. But lamentations are not. 

Let's see how that goes.

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Phase 2, Day 7

Yesterday's Roundup:

Exercise: Nope. There was a reason why that I have completely and totally forgotten. Oh right, yeah. We met up with some friends for eating and drinking. And there may have been some working late so that I'd be able to go to happy hour on Wednesday. Virtuous reasons for not exercising indeed.

Flossing: There was flossing and it was glorious. Or satisfactory. One of those.

Thing # Whatever Number I'm Up to that I Hate About Flossing: When you move on to a new bit of the floss, you end up holding used floss. Ew.

Monday, April 14, 2008

Phase 2, Day 6

Yesterday's Roundup

Exercise: Nope, not really

Flossing: Check. The power of the post-it did indeed compel me.

Thing #3 I hate about flossing: I really can't imagine a more boring thing to talk about or blog about. Oh boy! Can't wait to get to my iMac and tell the blog if I flossed!

Sunday, April 13, 2008

Phase 2, Day 4 & 5

Friday's Roundup:

Exercise: Nope, but I think I figured out what I did to my ankle.
Flossing: Check

Saturday's Roundup:
Exercise: Nope
Flossing: Nope--forgot. Clearly I need a post-it in the bathroom. As far as my brain is concerned, all I have to do it take my medicine and remove my contacts and I'm done. Hopefully, the power of the post-it will compel me.

Thing # 2 I hate About Flossing--I can't seem to be able to do it without making my gums bleed. I seem to be getting better at that.

Friday, April 11, 2008

Phase 2, Day 3

Yesterday's Roundup

Exercise: Nope (starting to wonder if I should show my ankle to one of those doctor people even though I totally know it's just a sprain or something)

Flossing: Nope (forgot. But when I woke up this morning, I remembered that I had forgotten by the way my mouth felt and tasted. So that's gotta be progress, I guess.)

Thursday, April 10, 2008

Phase 2, Day 2

Today's Roundup (OK, actually Yesterday's Roundup--I need to start flossing earlier, as in before the last possible moment)
Exercise: Nope (foot still hurts in a worrying manner)
Flossing: Check!

Thing I hate about flossing #1:
I have trouble flossing in the back. I have a small jaw. The main reason I needed braces was because there wasn't enough room for all my teeth. One of my wisdom teeth actually cracked from tooth decay because I hadn't been getting my toothbrush back there (and hadn't realized).

But as I was at it last night, I realized that I shouldn't neglect flossing the teeth I can reach easily just because I always leave out a couple of molars. Unhealthy perfectionist streak. I suspect I'll need to address that in other areas of my life as well.

I never imagined I'd get philosophical insight from removing particles from between my teeth.

Wednesday, April 9, 2008

Phase 2, Day 1

Today's Roundup

Exercise: Nope
Flossing: Check!

And now you know.

Tuesday, April 8, 2008

Thwarted, Plus Phase 1 Wrap Up, Phase 2 Launch

My printer died, so I can't print out a new calendar to mark up with little checks. Plus, Phase 2 was going to involve printing as well. Oh, and I hurt my foot (as in, I got out of bed Monday morning and thought, "hey, that hurts." So no exercise for me.

And now we see why I need this project in the first place.

OK, so Phase 1 Wrap Up. I started to exercise quite a bit more often in weeks 3 and 4 than in the first 2 weeks. I went from 2 or 3 days a week to 5. However, 2 days of this involved walking on city streets in regular shoes for a mile or so and that may account for my foot pain. So I'll have to change into sneakers if I'm going to do that again. It's all about the arch support.

I had every intention of posting a photo of my calendar, but since the printer's broken, I can be bothered. No, I don't understand the logic of that, and yet, that is how I feel. Besides, if I touch the camera and it craps out too, it will not be good for my mental condition.

On to Phase 2! I have to work around the lack of printer and I can't let myself go another week without starting a new phase, so flossing it is! It dawned on me last week that I have no dental insurance any more and so maybe I'd better take better care of my teefers.

The Goal: to floss my teeth before bed every night. If it sounds easy to you, then you're just not appreciate the extent of my not caring about flossing. I had some really great dental tape once made by the people who make gore-tex, but I ran out and I haven't seen it anywhere since. Maybe I'll buy some fancy floss to keep myself motivated. But flossing before bed reduces morning breath (so my dentist says) and my morning breath could kill small animals, so I'd really better get on this one.

I'm not going to wrap up day 1 of phase 2 just yet because I want to have a snack and I'm not going to floss until after that. But posting has to happen! Blogging can wait for no floss! So we'll all just have to wait to see if I floss tonight or not. Can you stand the tension?

Friday, April 4, 2008

Phase 1, Day 27

Today's Roundup:
Exercise: Nope

Stay tuned for the final wrap up of Phase 1 and the start of Phase 2. For reals this time!

Thursday, April 3, 2008

Phase 1, Day 26

Today's Roundup
Exercise: Check

I actually made it to the gym, even though I was exhausted all day. And now I'm even more exhausted. So much for everything else I was going to do tonight.

To the couch!

Wednesday, April 2, 2008

Phase 1, Day 25

Today's Roundup:
Exercise: Check!

I walked about 2 miles through the streets of Manhattan to get from work to the book signing I wanted to go to. If I had realized that this would involved going through Herald Square, past Penn Station and through Times Square, I might've taken a bus at least part of the way. That was a hell of a lot of people I had to fight my way through.

Lessons learned: Walking over a mile in shoes that are not sneakers will give you sore feet. Lugging my sneakers in to work and changing when I leave doesn't fill me with joy. Maybe I'll try the ol' wear the sneakers to commute and carry the (lighter) work shoes.

Tuesday, April 1, 2008

Now, Where was I?

We were without internet access for a few days. It was so traumatic, that I couldn't possibly consider blogging. Besides, we were piggybacked on a neighbor's wireless network, unbeknownst to them, so I wasn't about to do anything nonessential, which includes everything but checking e-mail.

I had planned on doing a wrap up of Phase 1 and starting Phase 2, but internet withdrawal rendered me incapable of such things. So I'm extending Phase 1 for another week. My project. I get to do that. Let me know if that seems too power mad.

Let's do a round-up of the days I didn't blog, shall we? I know we're all on the edge of our seats to see how much I was able to get off of my own seat.

Friday: Nope
Saturday: Check (vigorous cleaning)
Sunday: Nope (I might've given myself exercise credit for all the cleaning we did before people came over, except that I spent far more time on my butt, eating cheese.
Monday: Check (walked to class again)
Tuesday: Check (walked to writing group)

So I got 5 whole check marks last week and I already have 2 for this week. Excellent improvement over the first 2 weeks.